DEWLABZ Research Collective — Knowledge Distilled. Like Dew.

Mission Statement — Desk of the Founding Principal

STATUS: PRE-REVENUE PHASE 1 — ONGOING FUEL: NOMINAL FOUNDED: Q3 (APPROX.)

DEWLABZ is an independent research collective advancing the frontier of applied ambiguity. We believe that the most important questions are the ones no one has asked yet — and we have not asked them yet either, but we are very close to narrowing down the space in which they might live.

The name is a compound: DEW, as in Mountain Dew — the carbonated yellow-green beverage that sustains startup culture and, frankly, this collective — and LABZ, as in laboratory, with a Z appended for reasons the Founding Principal described as “just vibes, and also differentiation.” This domain was acquired through our Domain Opportunity Pipeline (DOP) from its previous stewards. We honor their legacy by operating in a different direction entirely, and with significantly more caffeine.

Series A — Funding Progress 3%

Target: undisclosed. Current: less than target. Runway: Q5 (aspirational). There is no Q5.

Mountain Dew reserves — Fuel Station inventory 74%

This is the metric we watch most closely. It has never been zero. It will not be zero. This is non-negotiable.

Documented Pivots

Each pivot is a learning. We have not pivoted yet. This is also a learning. Open a Dew and consider the direction.

Active Research Areas — Portfolio Overview

DEWLABZ maintains a diverse portfolio of research initiatives across convergent, divergent, and orthogonal domains. All projects are in active development. “Active” is defined as: existing and caffeinated.

FLAGSHIP

Project DISTILLATE

Applied carbonation sciences. Studying optimal developer fuel delivery vectors, with emphasis on the Mountain Dew family of products. Early findings: it works. Further study required. Timeline: ongoing.

PIVOT

Project HORIZON

Originally a platform for platform-adjacent platforms. After three pivots, now focused on “platform proximity.” Each pivot was executed on a full can of Dew. This is considered methodology.

SUNSETTING

Project AURORA

A moonshot. The moon was farther than modeled. The team consumed two cases of Monster Energy during the attempt. We are sunsetting the project and returning the empties.

PHASE 1

Project DEWDROP

Ongoing research into domain acquisition and legacy documentation. dewlabz.com is both the instrument and the output. The name contains DEW. This is considered thematically coherent.

PENDING IRB

Project MUNICIPAL

Prior-tenant analysis. Found a dissolved municipal district and an interstellar welcoming committee. Neither had a vending machine. This is the clearest differentiator DEWLABZ has identified to date.

IDEATION

Project AFTER HORIZON

Follow-on to Project HORIZON. Scoped after HORIZON is scoped. Internally: “the horizon horizon.” Most advanced project in portfolio. Fuel requirements: estimated at two cases of Dew, minimum.

Beverage Infrastructure — R&D Fuel Station (Mfr: DEWLABZ Internal, Ser. No. 001)

The Fuel Station is DEWLABZ’s primary piece of research infrastructure. It predates Phase 1. It may have caused Phase 1. The Founding Principal has described it as “the only constant in an otherwise very agile operation.”

Select a beverage to receive a dispensation and a brief research note. All beverages are free. This is one of the few areas where DEWLABZ operates at scale.

Select a beverage. The machine is ready. The machine is always ready.

MTN DEW reserves74%

Experiment Log — Recent Entries (Auto-Synchronized)

DEWLABZ maintains meticulous records of all experimental activity. Entries are generated by our Research Activity Documentation Engine (RADE) and represent a complete, caffeinated history of the collective’s outputs.

EXP-2026-055

Longitudinal Researcher Profile — Telaine Penes, Principal Research Fellow (Founding)

This entry documents the contributions of Telaine Penes, DEWLABZ’s longest-serving and, by most metrics, most load-bearing team member. Telaine joined in Q1 — before the collective had a name, a mission statement, a domain, or a vending machine. They provided all four. Telaine’s Q1 onboarding notes read: “Whiteboard full. Dew Zero acquired. Direction: TBD. Outlook: good, actually.” These notes have not been updated. They remain accurate. Telaine established the Rochester, NY office by working out of a co-working space on East Main Street for six months before anyone else joined. The Raleigh, NC office was Telaine’s proposal, submitted as a one-page document titled “The Case for Raleigh: A Climate-Based Ideation Optimization Analysis,” which contained one data point (average January temperature, Rochester vs. Raleigh) and a footnote reading “also the Fuel Station will be bigger.” The Raleigh office was approved. Telaine has consumed an estimated 4,400+ cans of MTN DEW Zero Sugar across both locations since inception. This is considered both a personal record and a fixed operating cost. Telaine’s Pivot Protocol has governed all eleven documented pivots. The protocol was written on the back of a Dew Zero can. The can is also framed.

RESEARCHER: Telaine Penes (self-documented, peer-reviewed by the Founding Principal) · STATUS: Ongoing (Telaine is ongoing) · FUEL CONSUMED: Estimated 4,400+ cans MTN DEW Zero Sugar (cumulative)

EXP-2026-051

Nomenclature Research — Origin and Justification of “DEWLABZ”

A retrospective audit of the name DEWLABZ was conducted to ensure continued alignment between brand and operational reality. Findings: DEW refers to Mountain Dew (PepsiCo, est. 1940), a citrus-flavored carbonated soft drink that has become the primary fuel source of startup engineering culture. LABZ refers to laboratory, indicating a scientific orientation. The Z (in place of S) was selected for differentiation, contemporary appeal, and because “DEWLABS” resolves to a Welsh water utility company. The compound name is considered accurate: DEWLABZ is a lab that runs on dew. The Founding Principal opened a Mountain Dew upon confirming this. This is the most documented event in DEWLABZ history.

RESEARCHER: Founding Principal · STATUS: Completed · FUEL CONSUMED: 1x MTN DEW (Code Red)

EXP-2026-047

Domain Heritage Audit — Prior Occupant Analysis (Dual)

Due diligence on dewlabz.com revealed two prior occupants. Occupant A: an interstellar outreach program operating from a parked domain, exhibiting high enthusiasm and a user-facing game involving specimen acquisition via tractor beam. Occupant B: the Office of Remaining Affairs, District 11 (dissolved 1994 by clerical error), a municipal entity maintaining a government website with a staff of one named Gerald. Neither occupant had a vending machine. Neither had Mountain Dew. This is noted as the primary opportunity DEWLABZ identified in the domain acquisition. DEWLABZ has filled the gap.

RESEARCHER: Founding Principal · STATUS: Completed · FUEL CONSUMED: 2x MTN DEW (Original), 1x Monster (transitional)

EXP-2026-039

Parking Strategy Synthesis — Cross-Domain Learning Extraction

Both prior tenants had independently identified “parking” as an unresolved problem (one literally, one in low orbit). DEWLABZ is applying learnings from both. Our hypothesis: parking is an unsolved problem because no one has properly framed it as a research opportunity while adequately caffeinated. We have now framed it, on a full Mountain Dew. Phase 2 involves solving it. Phase 2 is Q5.

RESEARCHER: VP of Learnings · STATUS: Phase 1 · FUEL CONSUMED: 1x MTN DEW (Voltage)

EXP-2026-019

Q1 Retrospective — Synthesis of Q1 Learnings (Preliminary)

A retrospective was conducted on all Q1 activities. Key finding: Q1 occurred. This is consistent with our models. Learnings were extracted and documented. A stamp was applied to indicate completion. The stamp is unchained, unlike a stamp encountered in District 11’s documentation (“chained — the chain is policy”). DEWLABZ’s stamp is free. The retrospective consumed four Mountain Dews and one kombucha, which was acquired during a wellness pivot that lasted four days.

RESEARCHER: Head of Phase Architecture · STATUS: Completed · FUEL CONSUMED: 4x MTN DEW, 1x Kombucha (Wellness Pivot, Q2)

Team Directory — Current Roster (Full-Time Equivalents: Approximate)

DEWLABZ is staffed by a distributed team of generalists, specialists, and individuals who are currently determining which of those they are. All team members operate across our two offices — Rochester, NY (Legacy Campus) and Raleigh, NC (Innovation Hub) — or remotely. Primary fuel: Mountain Dew. In one case, an inadvisable amount of Red Bull.

Founding Member

Telaine Penes

Chief Continuity Officer & Principal Research Fellow (Founding, Non-Departing)

Telaine joined DEWLABZ before DEWLABZ had a name — in what the Founding Principal calls “Q1,” and what Telaine calls “a Tuesday in late winter, Rochester.” They were previously a Senior Systems Analyst at a Rochester-area integrations firm that dissolved after its Series B went sideways. Telaine took one can of Mountain Dew Zero Sugar from the breakroom on the way out and has not looked back since. That can is framed in the Rochester office. It is considered a founding artifact.

Telaine authored the first DEWLABZ mission statement (original draft: “We do labs. With dew. The Z is for zoom.”), sourced the original Fuel Station (Serial No. 001), and established the Raleigh, NC Innovation Hub after a Q2 site analysis determined that Rochester winters were “not conducive to sustained ideation above a certain windchill.” Telaine splits time between both offices. The Rochester campus has their original whiteboard — full since Q1, never erased. The Raleigh office has a larger Fuel Station, which was Telaine’s primary negotiating condition for the expansion.

Over the collective’s lifetime, Telaine has consumed an estimated 4,400+ cans of Dew Zero, survived every documented pivot, and personally authored the Pivot Protocol (“crack a Dew Zero, take a breath, pick a direction”). They have a theory about why Pivot 7 was aggressive. They have not shared it. The Pivot Specialist has asked. Telaine said “Q5.”

Fuel of choice: MTN DEW Zero Sugar — since before the name, since before the Z, since the beginning. Offices: Rochester, NY (primary) & Raleigh, NC (secondary). “I go where the work is.”

Founding Principal

Chief Distillation Officer

Fuel of choice: MTN DEW Original. Always in a 1:1. The 1:1 is with the Fuel Station.

Dir. of Applied Uncertainty

Research Lead — Ambiguous Domains

Fuel of choice: Cold Brew (aspirational). Currently being onboarded. Onboarding is Phase 1.

VP of Learnings

Head of Insight Extraction

Fuel of choice: MTN DEW Code Red. Translating insights into learnable learnings since Q3.

Head of Phase Architecture

Phase 1 Infrastructure Lead

Fuel of choice: MTN DEW Voltage. Designing the Phase 1 to Phase 1 transition. It requires exactly this.

Pivot Specialist

Director of Strategic Reorientation

Fuel of choice: Monster Energy. Consumed three before Pivot 7. Pivot 7 was aggressive. Role currently being redefined.

🤖

The Bot

Automated Research Assistant

Does not consume beverages. This is considered a gap in cultural alignment. It is on the roadmap.

Investor Relations — Stakeholder Registry

DEWLABZ is proud to have received expressions of interest, verbal encouragement, or ambient awareness from the following parties. All amounts are undisclosed. All discovery calls were conducted over Mountain Dew. One investor brought LaCroix. We have not called them back.

[REDACTED] VENTURES

Round: Undisclosed | Amount: Undisclosed | Status: “Very supportive. Brought their own Dew.”

[REDACTED] CAPITAL PARTNERS

Round: Pre-seed | Amount: Undisclosed | Status: “Cautiously optimistic. Asked if we had water.”

[REDACTED] HOLDINGS II, LLC

Round: Also pre-seed | Amount: The same amount | Status: “Brought LaCroix. Not called back.”

SELF (FOUNDING PRINCIPAL)

Round: Ongoing | Amount: Some savings + Mountain Dew budget | Status: “Concerned but committed. The Dew budget is non-negotiable.”

Schedule a Discovery Call — Intake Form

DEWLABZ welcomes discovery calls from potential partners, investors, researchers, and anyone who has arrived here and cannot fully account for why. All calls are conducted over video. A Mountain Dew is recommended but not required. A calendar invite will be sent from noreply@dewlabz.com. We always send the calendar invite.

Your name or organization

What are you trying to disrupt?

Preferred call beverage

Preferred availability window

Your information is processed locally and not transmitted. DEWLABZ does not have the infrastructure to receive it. This is a known gap. It is on the roadmap. The roadmap is Phase 2. Phase 2 is Q5. Have a Mountain Dew in the meantime.

Frequently Asked Questions & Frequently Unanswered Answers

Q: Why is it called DEWLABZ?
A: DEW is Mountain Dew. The Mountain Dew is the fuel. The fuel is the reason. LABZ is lab with a Z. The Z is vibes. This is the complete explanation.

Q: What does DEWLABZ do?
A: Applied research across ambiguous domains, sustained by carbonated citrus beverages. We are narrowing down the domains. The beverages are already narrow: primarily Mountain Dew, with supporting roles for Monster, Red Bull, and one kombucha from Q2.

Q: Is this a real company?
A: DEWLABZ is a research collective. “Real” is a classification we are reviewing. The Mountain Dew is real. That is the most concrete thing we can confirm.

Q: What happened to the previous sites on this domain?
A: One was a dissolved municipal government that never stopped filing (no vending machine). The other was enthusiastic about extraterrestrials and had a tractor beam (also no vending machine). Both were doing their best. DEWLABZ has the vending machine. This is our primary differentiator.

Q: What is Phase 2?
A: Phase 2 is Q5. There is no Q5. Phase 2 is cold brew. Cold brew is aspirational. These three facts are connected.

Telephone: Available. Number undisclosed.
Email: noreply@dewlabz.com — sends, does not receive. Very productive in one direction.
Office location: Remote-first. The Fuel Station is wherever the Fuel Station is. The Fuel Station is here.

DEWLABZ